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  I envisioned a child running around with so many uncles and the cousins that were inevitable. How bad could it really be?

  Chapter 27

  Colt

  I got into the stables and found my normal spot, deep in the back near the last stall on the left. There was a bench there, and the backup generator meant it always stayed warm and cozy. It was one of my favorite places to go to get a few minutes of peace and quiet while also looking like I was doing something worthwhile.

  While I was out there, I could check the horses and do any maintenance that was needed. It became a regular job for me when I was a teenager, and I relished the ability to go somewhere by myself, away from the rest of the brothers, and just be.

  Jesse followed close behind me. Not close enough to annoy me, but close enough that I knew he was there. He was pretty good at making sure people knew where he was without announcing it. I assumed it had something to do with his military training, but that was only adding to what he already did. Being the second youngest of eight couldn’t have been easy, and he only really knew the life we had with our father raising us. Mom was gone when he was so young.

  I sat on the center of the bench, looking back toward the front of the barn, and Jesse took up residence not far from me on an old wooden apple crate. It meant he was sitting close to the ground, and in that very moment, I could still see the little boy who used to follow me out there to take care of the horses. He was still very much that little boy, only now he had seen terrible things. Horrible, nightmarish things that kept him awake at nights or woke him from a deep sleep. I was glad he had someone there with him. No one should have to remember what he remembered alone.

  Shannon was good to Jesse—and for him. They had been together, off and on, since they were kids. When he left for the military, it surprised all of us in how he just ghosted her. But when he came back, he was a different man, and he seemed to make up for it all with her and they were back and stronger than ever.

  The longer things had been settled, the more Jesse seemed to adjust to not being in the desert, or at least that’s what Sawyer told me. I had only seen Jesse a little, and usually, it was in a group.

  I cleared my throat. There was a lot on my mind, and I needed to talk to someone about it. Even if it was Little Jesse.

  “When you came back from the military,” I began, eyeing him to make sure he was okay talking about it, “how did you adjust so fast to living back on the ranch?”

  “I didn’t at first,” he said. He was staring at his boots, seemingly lost in the memory. “I was a mess, man. A total mess. But Shannon helped me so much. Coming back to the ranch, it was really hard to adjust to this life. But having a good woman by your side is something else. Shannon kept me moving forward. She’s my whole world. She always was, but I tried to replace her with the military, with service. It didn’t work. I came back broken. She patched me up and got me back on my feet again. I’ll never be able to repay her for that. There’s this look Shannon gets—I’ll catch her looking at me out of the corner of my eye sometimes—where she looks like she’s just lost in the universe and there’s only the two of us. She’s just watching me, you know? Loving me. I do it to her too, all the time. I just watch her.”

  I nodded. “That’s nice.”

  “Leah does that to you, too,” he said.

  I looked up at him, confused. “How would you know? You were coming in right as I was leaving.”

  “I was in the house when she came in, but I was dirty and mangy. I’d been out all day working. I wanted to go get clean and sneak outside. That way I’d come in from the field all clean and she wouldn’t get the impression we’re a bunch of dirty hillbillies. But I saw her for a few moments before I slipped outside. She was looking at you the same way Shannon does to me. And you were looking right back at her like the sun set in her eyes.”

  “Don’t act wise with me, little brother,” I said, a grin curling up one side of my mouth in spite of myself. “You’re still the runt.”

  “Not since Sawyer was born,” he said. “I’m half runt at worst.”

  “I thought the military would knock the goofy out of you,” I joked. He smiled wide, and in that smile, the kid was back.

  “Nah,” he said. “I came out a bigger kid than when I went in.” There was a moment of silence as we both chuckled lightly to ourselves. “You know, Garrett didn’t mean any harm back there. I heard the whole thing from the porch. He just doesn’t know how to communicate with you anymore, you know?”

  “How do you mean?” I asked.

  “Well,” he said, sighing, “I don’t want you to take offense. I’m not trying to beat up on you.”

  I held my hands up to him. “Don’t you worry about that.”

  “All right,” he said. “Well, when you went AWOL on us and stopped coming around, we all went about living separate lives. It’s not going to suddenly be just like it used to when we all get together again. But people try. They default back to what they know, and sometimes, it just doesn’t work like it used to.”

  I could see what he was saying. Garrett had teased me all my life. Why would it be any different now?

  “I get it,” I said. “But I still don’t like it. I felt like the old man was going at me again.”

  “I know,” Jesse said. “I remember how he used to tear into us. It got worse and worse near the end. It’s why I left for the military, you know? Everything else, I could have handled, but Dad? He was such a bear. I wanted to do something positive with my life, and I felt like if I stayed, there wouldn’t be enough positive things in the world to keep me alive here.”

  “I’m sorry you had to deal with that,” I said. “I should have been here to protect you.”

  Jesse shook his head adamantly. “No,” he said. “That wasn’t your job. Or Wade or Boone or Cass’s. It was no one’s job and no one should feel responsibility for it. It just happened. Besides, I got through it and look at me now.”

  He stood, taking the few steps over to me and I scooted down the bench so he could sit beside me.

  “Yeah,” I muttered.

  “It’s all right to be mad at Dad,” Jesse said. “I learned that a long time ago. Everything we thought about him wasn’t real. I spent too much time inside my own skull, internalizing everything. I should have just talked to him about it, sorted things out myself. I have to live with that forever now. We all do. But what we can take from that is that we won’t let it happen again. And we won’t let our own bullshit and insecurities get between us and the people we love.”

  “When did you get so damn smart?” I asked.

  Jesse shrugged. “Remember, Mom made Dad a better man. He always said that, remember?” I nodded. “When he lost her, that’s when things went to shit. We were just stupid kids with our own problems. Sure, we were grieving too and missing our mom, but imagine what Dad was going through. He lost his wife. The one person on planet Earth that was his partner. His friend. The only person that could talk him down when he was mad or make him laugh when he was sad. And he sat with that for years and years and all the while trying to be the best example for us he could be.”

  “He got a lot of it wrong,” I said.

  “He did,” Jesse agreed. “But he got a lot right too. He held himself to a hell of a high standard. I learned that when I got out into the military. A lot of the boys were from homes where they didn’t get along with their old man either. But they didn’t get along with them because they were lazy, or drunks, or they hit their mom or whatever. Would you ever call Dad lazy?”

  “God no, not if I wanted to live,” I said.

  Jesse nodded. “Exactly. Dad woke up every morning and went to work, and he worked his rear end off for us boys. He set that bar way high up in the air, not just for us, but for himself as a father. We never reached it. But neither did he. He not only had the bar that he set for himself, but the one we set for him too. He had to be mother and father. He had to be a superhero. He had to be everything and never, ever ta
ke a break. How could a person ever reach that?”

  I nodded, and Jesse stood.

  “I’m still mad,” I said.

  “I know,” he said. “You’re allowed to be. Garrett was acting like a damn prick in there. Annabelle would kick his ass if she knew. I’m sure she’ll find out. Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed. Most of my experience was with younger Annabelle, before I left, but if there was ever a girl that I thought might be able to take a Montgomery boy in a fight, by hook or by crook, I’d pick Anna in a heartbeat. She was sweet and she was pretty but she was also a fighter. Garrett had to toe the line with her because a girl that was raised on a farm was a girl that knew where the arteries were.

  “Just some stuff to think about,” Jesse said. “I’ll leave you to your thoughts. I should head in and see if Cass still has the whisky out. I don’t know about you, but I could use a drink.”

  I nodded and Jesse walked away.

  All my life, I had found it easier to hold on to anger. It fueled me. Anger at Dad was what got me up on those horses and competing. I knew he was embarrassed his son chose the lights and the glamour over a day’s work on the ranch. He thought it was something that could tame me, keep my wild streak focused, but it only fed it. He regretted ever helping me start, and I knew that. And I let that push me to be the best at it I could possibly be. To spite him.

  Letting go of that anger would create something else entirely. Pain. I would have to acknowledge that pain and move through it. I’d have to let those fights and the words that were said sink in. Not the ones that were said to me but the ones I said back. I would have to admit I didn’t mean them. Not all of them.

  Holding on to anger had worked for me so far. It had kept me atop the boards when it came to my profession. It pushed me to stay in shape and to grind every day. It helped me tap into something to win fights in barroom brawls that I never should have won.

  If it had helped me that much all my life, why would I change my strategy now?

  Chapter 28

  Leah

  Cassidy, Wade, and I were talking about the rodeo and I was sharing stories about all the crazy things that happened on the road when the door opened. We all looked up, expecting to see Colt. Instead, Jesse walked into the kitchen alone.

  “Everything okay?” Cassidy asked.

  Jesse nodded. “Everything’s good. We were just talking. Catching up. He’s out in the barn right now. I’m sure he’ll be back up here soon.”

  He said it casually, but I wasn’t convinced. It sounded more like he was trying to downplay the situation so it didn’t get escalated any more.

  That must have been a common tactic among the Montgomery boys because none of the brothers asked for any other elaboration. They accepted what Jesse said at face value and he folded right into the conversation with us.

  I didn’t pause to formally introduce myself or try to get to know him any better. That felt like it would compromise the steady rapport I’d gotten with the others. It would be better to just let Jesse meld into the conversation like he was always a part of it and wait for Colt to come back whenever he was going to.

  I had no doubt that he would. He didn’t have a reason to be upset with me. Even if he had left me sitting there in the kitchen when he stormed out, I didn’t think it was for any reason other than he just needed to get out of the house. He needed to not be in that kitchen, near Garrett. If anything, he left me there because he knew I would be safer and more comfortable than if I went with him.

  This wasn’t the kind of moment that would benefit from me being there beside him, offering my encouragement and support. He needed to work it out for himself.

  “Before I forget to say anything about it, family dinner has been rescheduled to Thursday this week rather than Sunday,” Cassidy said to Jesse a few minutes later.

  Jesse nodded. “Okay. I’ll be here either way. What’s up?”

  “I invited Colt and Leah,” Cassidy said.

  “Well, of course,” Jesse said. “If they’re in town, they should be here for family dinner.”

  That made me feel good to hear. There was no hesitation in welcoming me into the fold. I had a feeling they were like that for just about everybody. At least Cassidy and Jesse struck me as the type who would want to welcome as many people as possible with open arms and make them feel comfortable. Maybe Garrett would come around, especially if I was somebody associated with one of the brothers. Either way, being welcomed by most of them made me feel warm inside.

  “That’s what I thought,” Cassidy said. “But they have commitments to the rodeo on Sunday.”

  Garrett scoffed slightly under his breath, but nobody acknowledged him. Maybe he would soften up one of these days. And maybe not. Even if he didn’t, I had other brothers who had accepted me, and it was hard to believe the other three would all pick up Garrett’s reaction rather than just settling on being happy to have their brother home.

  “No problem,” Jesse said. “Shannon and I will be here Thursday. She’ll be excited to meet you, Leah.” He looked back at Cassidy. “Her parents will probably come, too. Sunday is always a little iffy for them, but Thursday will probably be easier.”

  “Sounds good,” Cassidy said. He pointed at me. “That’s two more I didn’t even think to mention. Shannon’s parents sometimes join us for dinner, too.”

  “I don’t think I’ll mention to the Daleys that you forgot about them,” Jesse said. “You know her dad will find a way to blame me for it.”

  He said it lightheartedly, and we were all still laughing when Colt walked in. I looked up at him and smiled.

  “Hey,” I said. “How are you doing?”

  “We should go,” he said.

  There wasn’t much emotion in his voice. It sounded flat, almost drained. There was no smile on his face and his expression was drawn.

  I nodded. “Okay,” I said. “Let’s go ahead and go, then.”

  “It was really nice to meet you,” Cassidy said and the other brothers echoed the sentiment.

  “It was really good to meet you, too,” I said. “I look forward to seeing you again soon.”

  The brothers exchanged a tense round of goodbyes that didn’t include Garrett. Then Colt headed for the door. Just like I had when we first climbed in the truck to come out here to the ranch, I started talking. Colt was obviously wrapped up in his own thoughts, but I didn’t want him to be completely lost in them. If nothing else, he just needed to know I was there. And if he got overwhelmed by them, he could just sink into whatever I had come up with to say.

  “It was really nice to meet your brothers,” I said as we drove down the long drive toward the main road.

  “Yeah,” he said.

  “I think things went well. Despite that little rough patch in the middle there.”

  His eyes flashed over to me and his expression had changed. Rather than just being blank or even drawn, it almost looked upset.

  “Rough patch?” he asked. “What do you mean?”

  “I just mean the tension between Garrett and you. I could see how deep stuff you were talking about runs.”

  “Yeah, well, maybe now you understand why I don’t come back around here very much. Or why it never felt like home to me. And yet I’m dumb enough to keep coming back, like I think it’s going to be different one of these times.”

  I shook my head. “Family stuff never goes away. It doesn’t matter how long you’re away from home. As soon as you’re back here and with your brothers again, it’s going to come back up. That’s just the way it is with families. Unfortunately with some things, the wound always feels fresh. But you can move forward. They were genuinely happy to see you.”

  “I doubt that,” he said. “And it was really sweet of you to act like everything’s all good and we’re going to get together when we were leaving, but I wouldn’t hold my breath for any of them to want me around again.”

  “Well, that’s definitely not the case
,” I said.

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  “If you’re up for it, Cassidy invited us to come back for family dinner,” I said.

  “Family dinners are on Sundays,” Colt said. “We’re going to be at the rodeo on Sunday. That’s why he mentioned it. He would know I wouldn’t be able to be there.”

  “How would he know that?” I asked. “He doesn’t know the schedule for the rodeo. They didn’t even know you were competing again. Besides, family dinner isn’t on Sunday this week. When Cassidy invited us, I mentioned that we were busy with the rodeo on Sundays, so he switched it to Thursday so we could be there.”

  “Are you serious?” Colt asked.

  “Yeah,” I said. “When he first invited us, I told him we wouldn’t be available on Sunday, and he immediately switched it to Thursday. He said it wasn’t a big deal because most of your brothers and other people who come to the family dinners already live on the ranch or are close by. So, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal to switch it over to Thursday. I really think it’s a great idea. We would have a lot of fun being out on the ranch away from everybody at the rodeo. Besides, I want to meet the rest of your family.”

  “Stop,” Colt said.

  I was so startled by the command, my voice stammered without any words coming out.

  “What?” I asked.

  “You need to stop, Leah. You’re overstepping. This is my family. Not yours. You’re not the one who gets to say yes or no to a dinner invitation from my brothers.”

  The back of my neck prickled, and it felt like my heart and stomach dropped at the same second.

  “I didn’t accept the invitation,” I said. “I didn’t tell him for sure that we would or wouldn’t be coming. Just that I would like to. But I’m running it by you right now.”