Always on My Mind (The Dawson Brothers, #1) Read online

  I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself. I didn’t need Tracy thinking I was desperate over some man, and worse than that, spreading it around the Thunderbolt grapevine. “He’s an old friend.” The excuse sounded as good as any. I wrote while she called out his digits and hurried her off the phone before she could spill more gossip. I wasn’t interested. I had a cowboy to catch.

  I glanced back and forth from the paper to the phone. All I had to do was call that number and I’d speak to David. My heart sank. I wanted nothing more than to hear his voice, but I was hesitant. This was business. He was spoken for, and I’d be calling strictly on a professional basis. I couldn’t let him try to talk me into anything crazy, but he was probably just calling me to try and make an excuse. I wasn’t going to have it. I’d simply call him about the demo and shut him down on every other subject. Then when Rowena came back after lunch, I’d at least have some information regarding my singing cowboy. I could do this. I could keep this strictly professional. I had to.

  I reached out but pulled my hand back to touch my lips instead. I closed my eyes and gave myself one final moment of memory with him and then I’d bury it all away to continue as his agent. I traced my finger along my upper lip, remembering his tongue sweeping softly across it, and imagined the way his body felt so close to mine, and the smell of him. He smelled like that ridiculously delicious cologne he wore, but better than that, when he’d worked all day on the ranch, he added a mixture of leather saddles and sunshine. It permeated his clothes and hair and smelled like heaven.

  I’d drunk him in the moment he’d hitched me up onto that saddle with him and I knew the moment I touched him, I never wanted to let go. One last memory and then I’d be done. If I thought hard enough I could imagine the feel of the hard metal against my back while I lay spread out on his hood, but I hadn’t felt it at the time. I could have been on a cloud for all I’d noticed. He’d made love to every inch of me, as if I were his treasure and swallowed hard remembering how his thick length sheathed itself so tightly inside me.

  Heat burned through my core and I shifted in my seat and opened my eyes to quench myself. It had all been such a perfect lie, and I’d fallen hard and fast for it. I’d let it go and accept it for what it was, even if the pain killed me.

  Before I could chicken out, I picked up the phone and dialed the number, swallowing the lump that had formed in my throat. I wouldn’t allow my emotions to take over. I’m a strong professional woman. I’ve got this. The phone rang and rang and I almost hung up when David’s strong voice answered.

  “Hello, David.” I paused a moment as he said hello and his voice sounded solemn. Strictly professional.

  “Hey, Sarah, I’ve been trying to find you to explain some stuff. How are you?” His tone seemed genuine, but I was determined to ignore it.

  “Yes, sorry, I’ve been so busy and my friend over at Thunderbolt just told me you’d called. I was going to call you about getting a demo. My boss wants to hear you. I told her what an exceptional talent you are and she just insists that she’s got to hear you.” I waited, but he’d gone so silent I thought he hung up. My heart raced as I flushed, my face turning cold as all the blood seemed to pool at my feet.

  He cleared his throat. “God, it’s so good to hear your voice. You took off out of here so fast. I’ve wanted to explain what happened. My mom, she—”

  “She introduced me to your fiancée. It’s not a big deal.” The words flayed me open and gutted me. Not a big deal? It was everything. I couldn’t let him know how much it bothered me. “She seems lovely. I’m just interested in getting a demo. It can be anything really—”

  “Why won’t you let me explain, Sarah? There’s been a mistake. Can we talk?”

  He was going to blather on about mistakes and how he was sorry and then try to explain away the behavior of his mother and that horrible fiancée of his. “I agree. It’s all been a big mistake. We should have just kept things professional. That was my intention all along and I just got swept into things. I regret we got too involved, but hope that we can start again on a better foot.”

  “I know we can. I’m sorry if I rushed you into anything, I never wanted for you to be hurt, but I’d love for us to just start over. I care about you. I want to see where this thing goes.” His voice sounded so hopeful.

  It pinched my heart hearing him say he was sorry he’d rushed into things. Only because he’d gotten caught. I kept my lips clamped shut as he started to talk again.

  “My mama is in the hospital. She fell sick this morning. My dad called and said they’re going to keep her. I’d sure like for you to come back down, Sarah. I have your makeup bag you left here if you need an excuse. I want to see you so bad, girl.”

  My warm and fuzzies were turning sour in my gut. His mother was in the hospital so he wanted me to come back down? Guess she couldn’t do any damage from there. “Well, that sounds terribly convenient, but no thanks. I’m sorry about your mother, I’m sure she’s a lovely woman, but I’m not interested in whatever you have going on other than music, David. I’d love to represent your talent, though, and I think you’ve got a bright future as a big star.”

  “Sarah, listen.”

  “No, David, you listen. I’m not interested, okay? I’d like to just get that demo, let my boss hear you, and hopefully get you a big contract.” I waited for him to speak and it took a solid minute.

  “I’ve quit music.” His tone was harsh.

  He was lying. No one just quit with his talent, no one in their right mind anyway. I gripped my hair in frustration. He made me want to rip it out. “You can’t be serious.”

  “I am. I even quit going to Kinsey’s. I did the night you left.” His tone was steeped in anger and he went quiet for a moment and then a bang sounded as if he’d stomped or hit the wall. “It’s good to know that you’re no longer interested, I guess. I won’t waste my time on what-could-have-beens.”

  My chest heaved with anger. What could have been if he didn’t have a fiancée, he meant. “Could you just do me a favor and send that demo. I’d appreciate it. My boss is on my back.”

  “No, I don’t think I can. Like I said, I’m done with music. This ranch is going to be my life now. My dad isn’t getting any younger and his health isn’t getting any better, and my mom may not even survive the night. But all you can think about is that damned demo, so no. I don’t think I can. I’ve got a ranch to tend to and family to look after.”

  “Well, that would have been nice to know before you seduced me.” Shit. Things weren’t going as planned. If I kept on pushing him away, I’d never get the damned demo and Rowena would kick my ass to the curb. “David, please. I need that demo. We could even do a conference call with my boss if we need to and you can sing to her that way for all I care, but if I don’t produce your talent to her, even just for consideration, she’s going to fire me. Please. This is my last chance. She’s already pissed at me for my little detour. My career will be over.”

  “I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll record it, if you come back down here and get it.” His voice had softened.

  “No way. I’m never coming back down there.” I tried not to let out a nervous laugh as I contemplated where we’d end up. Right back in the barn with me showing him how to ride a horse. I couldn’t do it again. I was too weak and if I went back, I’d end up the homewrecker his mother accused me of being. “I’m not letting what happened happen again.”

  “Dammit, Sarah. So, I’m nothing more than just another client to you?” His breathing was hard and heavy.

  “That’s all I need from you, and nothing more. Just send me the demo please. If my boss loves it, I’ll drop it and we’ll say that you have other obligations. At least then we can both move on with our lives.”

  “If you need it that bad then you can come and get it. Besides, I want to see you again. I miss you, Sarah.” His voice grew louder. “If you don’t, I’ll just come and get you. I’ll drag your ass back down here kicking and screaming if I
have to.”

  “Now you just sound like a crazy person. I don’t need this. Either do the damned demo or don’t. I’ll be all right either way. I’ll just get fired on Monday and be jobless.” I hated to be so passive aggressive, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

  “You’re going to lose your job?” He mumbled a curse beneath his breath as I sounded an affirmative. “Fine, I’ll do the damned demo and I’ll have it to you by Monday. But it’s just to save your job. I’d hate to think I caused you any pain.”

  “I’m good. And thanks.” I spewed out my number and the mailing info and ended the call. The sooner I could get away from him and his excuses the better. He better do that demo, dammit, he owes me. I almost grabbed the phone and called again just to tell him that.

  Never had anyone infuriated me so badly. The idea that he’d think I’d come back down to that. To hiding in pastures and barns just to be together. I didn’t want to sneak around. He’d never even denied Ella or offered to end it. He must have thought I was the type of woman his mother had warned him about, too. Like I’d just run down there and warm his bed anytime he wished, while Ella played house and became the perfect Stepford wife. The lady already had that wholesome blond thing going on. She probably already knew everything about farm life, while I must have looked like a ridiculous fool tromping through the mud in my heels and Bible-selling blazer.

  Tears sprang to my eyes. It hadn’t gone the way I’d hoped. I didn’t know what I expected, but what’s done was done. I needed the demo and I’d get it. There was no denying his talent, but his ego was insane. No matter how badly I wanted to hate him, I couldn’t. I’d call him after his demo arrived and thank him. And next time, I’d keep it short and sweet.

  Chapter 15

  David

  It was strangely quiet in the room considering how many of us were crammed into the small waiting area. Mama had been rushed into surgery hours earlier. Daddy had called us to come up and wait it out with him, since it was going to be a pretty long and tedious one. Mama had been diagnosed with an ulcer, which is what led to her coughing up blood, but it was what else they found that had her in such a dire situation.

  She had a large cancerous mass in her colon that needed to be removed, and then with any luck, and a lot of chemo, she’d be okay if they found it hadn’t spread, and only if she made it through surgery. Mama was a strong woman, so the odds were in her favor.

  I tried not to doze off, but was failing miserably. Luke would nudge me and I’d readjust myself trying to wake up. It had been a tough weekend. I’d had to take on much more with Mason and Luke keeping shifts with Dad who refused to leave the hospital even for a little while.

  I’d fixed dinner the best I could, and was glad that Mama had always allowed us boys to watch her cook. She’d never shooed us out of her kitchen unless she had something special going, and she’d taught me how to make spaghetti and vegetable soup, which is what I’d fed my brothers. From the sound of things, we’d be grilling steaks how dad showed us, or learning to prepare a roast. Mama wouldn’t be back in her kitchen to do more than eat for a while. Dad had been eating from the hospital cafeteria when we could get him to eat, and from the look on his face when I showed up hours ago, he seemed to have aged ten years in two days.

  I had just stood up to stretch my legs again when the doctor came in. His expression was unreadable and I imagined that was from years of practice and professionalism.

  My dad crossed the room on shaky legs and the worry in his brow deepened. “How is she?”

  “Mr. Dawson, Helen is doing fine. She’s stable and in recovery. Because of the severity of the surgery, we’ve had to put her in ICU, and I’ll let you and your family go back two at a time to see her. Do you have any questions?” The doctor seemed to have his speech in order.

  “Yes sir, when can I take her home?” Dad wrung his fingers until they white-knuckled.

  “We’re looking at about three weeks at this point before you can go home. That gives you an idea of what to prepare for.”

  Dad’s face fell. “Will she need special care once we get her home? Like a nurse or something?”

  “No, she shouldn’t. I’m sure you’ve got all the help you’ll need, but she won’t be strong enough to do too much for a while. If you have family you can count on, you should be fine. I’ll let the nurse assist you from here and I’ll be back later on my rounds, so if you think of anything else, just let me know.” The doctor held out his hand and my father took it. I could tell his grip was weak and my heart contracted just thinking of him in that shape.

  They were going to need my help now more than ever and I was so glad I’d gotten that silly demo out of the way and sent. I’d dragged my old recorder out of my closet and my guitar out of the attic. I’d missed the thing. I decided maybe it didn’t need to be too far away after all. The thing was like a part of me and it wouldn’t hurt much if I kept it in my room to play a song or two. I strummed out a song and sang my best and hoped that Sarah would be happy. I wanted the best for her, truly, and with everything going on, putting it all behind me for a while was best. I could focus on my family and the ranch.

  Music wasn’t ever going anywhere. It would always be a part of me and in my heart with Sarah. Maybe one day I’d find my way back to it, and if I was lucky, back to her. Or maybe she wasn’t the person I was supposed to share my life with. My heart shuttered at the thought. I shoved it out of my mind. I had bigger problems and more to consider.

  Ted and I had already started working on organizing things in the office. Dad would either be surprised or angry, but it had to happen. Once we got our mama settled back home and Dad could focus, we’d try and convince him to let us run things with a computer. Mason and Ted had already started their cell phone shopping, but I wasn’t going to jump the gun. The old man was liable to disown us over that move.

  Two hours had passed when the nurse finally came in to tell us that Mama was ready for visitors. “She’s still in and out of consciousness, but doing well.” The nurse smiled and waited for us all to gather closer before continuing. “Since we’ve had a busy day and are a bit crowded, I can only let you in one at a time. So while I take Mr. Dawson back, you men can decide who’s next.” She led Dad away and we all glanced between us.

  I didn’t want to be in the middle of that decision. I’d learned years ago to bow out and let the others fight over the ranks. It made things easier and I knew Mama would appreciate the gesture. She wouldn’t want us squabbling in public, especially over her. I felt bad enough for being angry at Mama over what she and Ella had pulled. “I’ll go in last. You all decide who goes first.” I walked over to a row of chairs and plopped down into the first one I reached. They decided that Luke could go next and then Mason. Youngest first was Ted’s idea and he came over to sit with me as our two baby brothers stood at the door waiting anxiously.

  “You all right?” Ted nudged my elbow.

  “I’m fine, just feeling a bit sorry for myself. I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to Mama after what happened. I feel bad about it.” I crossed my arms in front of me. The room was so cold and sterile, with the mounted TV barely making a mumble over the electric hum of the soda machines.

  “Well, I wouldn’t go dredging that up now.” Ted slouched in his seat and stretched his legs out straight.

  I cut a glance to meet his eyes. “I’m not. I just wish I’d talked to her about it, you know. Made things right. I guess I was so worried over Sarah I wasn’t thinking straight, but that’s over now. She only wanted my demo for her boss, which I mailed off already. She’s good without me.” I clenched my jaw and stared straight ahead. It was all I could do not to call her again last night, but I’d kept busy so I wouldn’t.

  “Maybe she’s trying to protect her feelings. You told her the truth about Ella, right?”

  “I told her it was a mistake and she didn’t even care. She was just worried about losing her job. I guess she promised her boss a demo.” Numbness bla
nketed me just thinking about it.

  He tipped his baseball cap forward and covered his eyes. “Then I wouldn’t waste time wallowing in it. You have more important things to focus on, especially now.”

  “Yeah, I know you’re right.” My eyes grew heavy too and I wished I’d worn a cap, though that was more Ted’s style. I closed my eyes and tried to drift off until it was time to see my mama.

  *

  “You’re up, Davey.” Daddy shook me awake and the nurse stood at the door waiting to take me back to see my mama. She led me through a series of doors, using her ID badge on some, and simply walking through others. After winding one long hall we came to a room where curtains separated each bed and everyone had machines of one kind or another making beeps and other off noises. The nurse pulled the curtain for privacy and though I knew I wasn’t alone with Mama, I felt like I was.

  I stopped awkwardly at the foot of her bed. Her pallid complexion and deep set eyes masked her face from the natural glow and sunny smile she normally had. Her lips looked grey, instead of the rose petal pink I was used to. One arm stayed at her side, with wires and tubes connected, but the other lay across her stomach so I walked up and placed mine on top of it. Hers was like ice. I rubbed my hand against hers softly to create warmth like she’d done mine as a child.

  My parents had me when they were in their thirties. They’d had a son before me when they were younger, my brother, Joseph Jr., who only lived a few minutes after birth. After that tragedy and a following miscarriage, they didn’t expect they’d have any more children, and then I came along and then they decided to let nature take its course and ended up with three more sons. Family was everything to this woman lying before me. And I knew she’d meant well when she did what she did with Ella. I silently forgave her and vowed then and there to take care of her for as long as I could.

  I gave her hand a pat and spoke a soft prayer under my breath. Then I knelt and stroked her hand and began to hum.